#its like. nothing to me. not even in a self deprecating way like i literally cant make out any solid strong shapes in it ykwim

[skunkes]

augh i love that last drawing of u talking to talon!! u draw yourself so well and so so cute im in lov w the way you draw mouths and noses and da whole face ur expressions so good i want to put ur art in a humidifier and breath it in 😩

Thank you ! im trying

[sundaeserenade]

Im not talking ab pokemon fandom when i say this but like

the utterly terrible and disappointing feeling of going on ao3 and looking around and noticing ur the only one who has their shit together has to be one of the top five worst feelings of a fic writer

[frudoo]

Literally obsessed with your Slasher 141 series, its been giving me so much brainrot

I have a few ideas;

reader feels a bit self conscious about her body and the boys make it their mission to show her how beautiful she is in their eyes (could be fluff or smut)

OR

Reader decides to be a brat over text to the boys as they were out for the day, and hides from the boys once they arrive home, resulting in them hunting and chasing her down 👀👀 ( smut and a lil fluff )

This is very self-indulgent because I've been feeling bad about my own body lately. This is for my fellow fat girls <3

Warnings: Mentions of skipping meals, food in general. Self-deprecating thoughts, somewhat poor communication. Fem!Reader is fat (in all of the slasher!141 AU). Fluff!

You’ve been off lately. During mealtime with the boys, you barely eat, just poke at the food on your plate. It isn’t like you—you’re usually the one to cook and try out all kinds of new recipes to share with your lovers, or baking sweet treats to give them after a hard day—so for you to suddenly have no interest in food is concerning. Tonight is no exception. John made your favorite, beef stew and cornbread (a southern delicacy you taught him how to make), but you just mindlessly stir the stew with your spoon, eyes focused on nothing at all.

     “How was your day, dove?” Kyle tries to break you from your trance, but you only nod.

     “Helped a chicken give birth today,” Simon stares straight at you, ignoring the incredulous looks the other three men give him.

     Still, no sort of reaction from you, other than an uninterested hum. 

     “Ah went tae the doctor earlier,” Johnny says next. “Turns oot ah’m pregnant.”

     “Nice,” you deadpan, completely oblivious to the outrageous lies these dumbasses have been telling you. 

     “Enough,” Price furrows his eyebrows, dropping his spoon with a clang. “Darlin’, you haven’t eaten in two days.”

     This time, you listen. Immediately, you rush to defend yourself, eyes narrowed at the bearded man.

     “I’ve just been fe-”

    “Don’t you give me that bullshit about bein’ sick, either. I’ve seen you sick, and it was completely different than this,” he interrupts, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “Speak, baby. Tell us what’s goin’ on in that pretty head o’yours.”

     “It’s nothing,” you grumble.

     Simon sighs dramatically, slapping his palms down on the dining room table to push himself up out of his chair. Before you can protest, he picks you up and sits in your seat, then settles you in his lap. You try to wriggle free, but his hold on you is unwavering. 

     “Stop strugglin’ and tell us wha’ the fuck is wrong w’you,” the blond man grunts, strong arms wrapped around your waist so you can’t move as much. 

     “I hate my body!” You blurt, and the room falls silent. “I-I don’t know what you all see in me. I just… I look gross.”

     Tears build in your eyes and spill past your waterline, streaming down your round cheeks. All four men look at each other wordlessly, unsure of what to say. Their silence breaks your heart, and you manage to wriggle out of Simon’s lap. 

     “I’m going to bed,” you mumble, wiping your eyes with your sweatshirt and moping your way upstairs.

     Your bedroom is the furthest down the hall, the longest walk. Usually this fact doesn’t bother you, but with your state of mind the way it is right now, you can’t help but feel like it’s purposeful. You slam the door shut and lock it, purposefully avoiding looking at yourself in the mirror as you flop into bed. It creaks with your weight, and you let out another sob. 

     You end up crying yourself to sleep, clammy face stuck to your pillow. When you wake up, you find that your door is still locked and try your hardest not to burst into tears all over again. Not one of the boys came to check on you last night? It makes you feel even worse—are you that much of an eyesore that they don’t dare come see if you’re okay? The thought makes your stomach churn. A knock makes itself known on your door, pulling you from your thoughts.

     “Dove? Can you let us in?” Kyle’s soft voice sounds from the hallway. “Please?”

     “We wanna talk to you, sweet girl,” Price’s voice comes next, followed by more pleas from Johnny and Simon.

     With a shaky sigh, you oblige, unlocking the door and swinging it open. When your eyes fall on them, you bite back a gasp—they all look exhausted, puffy bags beneath their bloodshot eyes, frowns tugging their lips downward. You can’t imagine you look any better, but still, your heart aches seeing them look so down.

     “Hey, bonnie,” Johnny instantly brightens up when he sees you, and you have to fight the urge to push him off when he wraps his arms around you. 

     “Hi,” you mutter, impartial to the kiss the Scotsman plants on your temple.

     They all trail into your room nervously, and it’s just then that you notice a large jar in Simon’s arms. Your eyebrows furrow as you sit on the edge of your bed, waiting for one of them to speak up first.

     “I want to start by apologizin’, sweetheart,” John begins, sitting beside you on your bed. “We were all… well, none of us were expectin’ to hear you talk about yourself like that, and we panicked. That wasn’t fair to you.”

     You shrug, eyes focused on your lap. Price reaches out to grab your hand, gently running his thumb across your knuckles. 

     “You are absolutely stunnin’. You are the farthest thing from gross, dove,” Kyle sits on your opposite side, grabbing your unoccupied hand. 

     “Ah think ah speak fer all of us when ah say tha’ we love yer body,” Johnny hums.

     “I’m fat,” you frown, and Simon scoffs.

     “Yeah? And?” He narrows his eyes at you. “We like y’like tha’. More t’grab, more t’love.”

     “I don’t understand why,” you whisper, chewing on your bottom lip anxiously. 

     “What’s not to understand?” John squeezes your hand. “You’re soft, and warm.”

     “The fuckin’ best at cuddlin’, too,” Kyle grins.

     “Great tits,” Johnny butts in, earning himself a jab to the ribcage from Simon. “Och- wha’?! It’s true!”

     “Wha’ the wanker is tryin’ t’say is tha’ you’re perfect. For us, in general—y’complete us, love. Your body is jus’ a plus,” Simon concludes, finally stepping forward to offer you the jar.

     “What’s this?” You ask, carefully pulling your hands out of Kyle and John’s. 

     “We spent all nigh’ gatherin’ up pictures of you tha’ we love,” Kyle explains, watching excitedly as you screw the lid off. 

     Inside, the jar is filled to the brim with photos and polaroid pictures—candids of you baking in the kitchen, napping on the couch, tending to the garden or the animals, even selfies you sent to Johnny when the two of you first started talking online. Mixed in with those is printouts of text messages they’ve all sent each other, fawning over you, some of which dating back to even before you met the others. Tears stream down your face yet again, but instead of being sad, you’re overwhelmed with love and joy from these men you get to call yours.

     “I-I don’t know what to say,” you sniffle, setting down the jar to wipe your eyes.

     “Don’t say anythin’, darlin’, just let us hold you,” John murmurs, pulling you onto the bed and wrapping an arm around your waist.

     Maybe being dogpiled by your four huge husbands on an already creaky bed isn’t the best idea, but hey, all that matters is that you’re happy.

[soapymansuds]

Eternity and counting

Pt 5

(Pt1, Pt2, Pt3, Pt4)

(Ok y'all, going on vacation and this is the last chapter I have pre-written SO the next upload may be late. Apologies in advance.)

Obey me! X Angel!MC (They/Them Pronouns)

TW: Suicide, depression, self-deprecation, death, big feelings, lots of sad.

MC just can't handle anything anymore and takes their own life. Imagine their dismay to find even death isn't the end for them.

~/\~

And so I do. Because I'm stupid. And selfish. And did I mention stupid? There is literally nothing dumber I could be doing. And that thought doesn't stop me. I trace a long since overgrown path around to the back of the house. Lifting the ancient stone of a raven statue, I reach blindly underneath in search of the spare key. Mammon told me about it during my first week here because he so frequently forgot his own keys inside. I chuckle softly at myself as my hand makes contact with the delicate key, the idea of something so small being so unchanged for so long being a little bit silly to me.

The key fits as snugly in the door as it always has, and I revel in the soft click of the lock as I twist it. I take a moment inside, breathing in the soothing smell of the house. It's peppery and smokey, but something sweet hides beneath the muskier smells. Like marshmallows on a campfire or a sweet oil rubbed into old leather. It's warm in my lungs. The air itself feels like soothing aloe on my hot skin. The thought makes me smile, conjuring half-muttled memories of Asmodeus hunting me through the house in an attempt to care for a sunburn I more than earned. I take a gentle half-step further inside, reminiscing on each small scuff and half-fixed crack on the wall as I unconsciously wander the halls.

I find myself strangely unbothered by the fear of discovery that drips its way down my spine. My wings brush against walls and decorations in the same way they did when I was first reborn, still getting used to their presence and the new space I took up. But I simply can't wrap my head around being here in any other way than how I always was. So I continue my venture through the halls like I'm human once again, with no regard for the gentle swish of feathers on the walls.

I stop for a moment in front of a mirror,, and the sight of myself, or more accurately, the cloaking spell covering me, makes me shiver. It feels so wrong to try to be someone else here. And so I drop it. The spell falls from my skin like a peel from a banana, and I sigh with the relief of it.

I feel nearly entranced by the whole experience. Head soft and clouded, as if I were dreaming. Maybe I am? It's been a year since I've seen these halls in the waking world so it's not totally impossible, but I struggle to remember falling asleep.

A gentle sound rouses me from my thoughts, a huffing of some sort. Or maybe a gasping? It's breathy regardless, so I follow it to its source.

My room.

Or, my old room, I suppose. Can't imagine it hasn't been taken over by somebody else's hobby.

As I approach the door, though, it's cracked open, and the light that flows through is the same as it's always been. The gentle golden glow of my desk lamp dances over my toes and across my cheek as I peek through the crack. To my surprise, it's exactly how I left it. My pens lay haphazardly across my desk, and my slippers are tucked at the foot of my bed. Even the vines of my ivy are thriving. What catches my attention the most though, is the way my lamp light shimmers on his head.

That snowy white hair I could pick out of a crowded club, even after all this time, shakes gently on my pillow. The shaking wracks his whole body, despite how tightly he's curled into himself. I realize with a cold wave of sorrow, that all that huffing was sobbing. I haven't seen Mammon cry like this since the Belphegor incident and the sight of it resonates in the pit of my stomach.

He's mourning.

He's still mourning. After all this time.

I consider running again for just a moment, but even if I could convince my mind to leave, I'm certain my body wouldn't follow suit. I feel faint as my knees melt from below me. Unfortunately, my efforts to keep myself up are in vain, as not only do I fall to the floor, but I press the door open further in the process.

The sound seems to startle Mammon, because, despite my focus on the floor, I can hear him shuffle in the bed.

"Fuck off Lucifer..." He mumbles, voice achy and raw. He waits in silence for what he's definitely expecting to be Lucifer's stern remark.

I attempt to take his moment of silence to press myself up and out of the room, but my movements are sluggish and awkward, and my wing bashes clumsily into a table, knocking over my lamp. I watch in near slow motion as it falls and I reach to stop it. But it's too far and I'm too dazed, and before I know it, the room is dark.

I whimper pathetically as I stare at it, delicate glass thrown across the floor. I scoot to pick up the pieces, cradling them in my palm.

"Who are you?!"

Mammon yells at me, suddenly shot out of bed. My head snaps up to look at him and I feel my heart crack. He's broken out into his demon form, but in spite of the attempted threat, all I can see is the pain in his eyes. His cheeks are red and shiny in the moonlight and his eyes carry bags deep enough to swim in.

"I-" my head rattles with the force of looking up at him, down at the shattered lamp, and back up at him. "I'm sorry..."

It's pathetic. What am I even apologising for? For scaring him? Breaking the lamp? For leaving? I'm sorry is hardly enough of an apology for all of it. It's barely enough for a single grievance.

His gaze though. It pulls me from my thoughts. His snarl falls and his forehead smoothes as he stares at me, and it hits me with a wave of terror that I am no longer hidden. Why would I have dropped the cloaking spell? How could I be so stupid? Did I want to be seen? How fucking selfish.

"M-mc?..." He whispers my name like it could scare me away. Like he's praying for something.

"I... I'm sorry, I just..." I stutter out words with no real meaning as I try desperately to justify myself. I stare back down at the shards in my hand like they hold some sort of solution, but they fall from my fingers with a clink as I'm slammed backward into the floor.

Mammon has plowed straight into me and taken us both down. He grips onto me like I'm going to fade straight through his fingers if he lets go, and I can't rightly blame him. His shoulders shutter with each fanning of his breath over my shoulder. It takes several moments of listening to his combination of whines and sobs for my brain to restart, but as I come to my senses, I wrap my arms around him in turn.

And it breaks me. I've spent a year carefully storing and sorting all my emotions. Handling problems without worrying about them. Actively avoiding any big feelings. And all it takes is Mammon to throw all that effort to the wind. Tears flow from my eyes, hot and heavy as they drip past my ears. My breaths shake in time with his and for several moments, there is nothing. The world falls away and we're not an angel and a demon. We're not even people. We're just two old friends crying in each other's arms. 

(As always, thank you for reading! Comment to be added to the tag list!)

~Your friend, The Author

*tags*

@spffldlbrnf @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf @seraphlies @averageradstudent @sasa-mya @ayshela @miracl3d @mehkers @fersitaam @crywicked @crypt-exx

[catboybiologist]

Imma make an observation that literally is just an observation for its own sake, but it's gonna def be borderline toxic and self deprecating. I genuinely only want the observation part about it, and I'm really not being hard on myself or the community here, but if that distinguishment is gonna be hard for you just be warned.

Cool? Cool. Unfocused ramble under the cut.

Now that I've face revealed, I'm kinda curious observing from the sidelines the reactions that people aren't saying. Obvs I'm not a popular enough person to be like "WOAGH SISJDJDJ OMG ITS A FACE REVEAL" but I'm more talking about the general psychology of passing itself now that I show my full face vs when I hid it.

With that tiny scrap of markup covering my nose, chin, and mouth, I had people ENDLESSLY telling me that there's NO WAY I don't pass. OBVIOUSLY whatever I was hiding was the absolute PINNACLE of femininity. My ask box was literally fucking filled with those comments to the point it was obnoxious- "why do you hide your face you're so pretty" or something like it, DMed and anoned to me over. And over. And over again.

I've really only shown my face in "perfect angle" pictures now, and even then it's obvious that I don't pass. Likely, my face looks nothing like what most people imagined. I got this from a lot of people I showed my face to in discord as well- you'd be hard pressed to say that I fully pass now. Best you could do is probably "yeah you look femme but def clocky to the right eye", and I get a lot of "pretty but clocky" type "compliments" from people.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't a "woe is me I'll never pass I'm horrific" post. Now this is Tumblr, and the core group of trans people that I love interacting with largely don't care, or even find the clockiness hot. I'm also gaining confidence in the twinkhon vibes myself, while also knowing that I still have a LONG way to go on HRT, and whatever my face looks like now, it'll be way different in the years and months to come. In the end, passing or not, I don't care. And obviously, that's not a binary thing, blah blah, insert all the passing discourse here. That's not what this post is about.

What it IS about is how far the perception of my face drifted from people's actual assessment of it when I face revealed. When I had the clockiest features of my face hidden, there was an intrinsic assumption that they were more femme than they actually were.

I've also gotten slightly less interaction on my selfies in general (aside from the initial face reveal) but that could just be a byproduct of my reduced activity on Tumblr overall from road tripping. I'll have to see what it's like in the future, but I highly suspect that a large number of lower interaction people now view me as less attractive. I'm not saying they're avoiding me in disgust, I'm saying that when their was a gap in their perception, their brains autofilled a more attractive image than actually existed. This doesn't apply to my core group of moots that are high interaction and comment n stuff (love y'all) but the large scores of people who leave simple tags or reblog and like in passing- I think I just got less attractive in people's minds.

What does all of this say? Honestly it's hard to say. This is more observation than anything else. It might be linked to beauty standards, or just a bias of "unga bunga skinny white woman with conventionally attractive body must have conventionally attractive face" which turned out not to be true, or whatever.

Again, just a weird ramble. Bug summary is that people, on average, assumed I passed before I showed my full face, and now, far less do.

Oh yeah, and inb4 "and omg you actually pass though"- this post isn't for you. There's lots of people who see me and think that I don't, including in Tumblr. Passing varies on a person to person basis, and what I'm saying here is that face revealing flicked a switch in many, but not all, people's brains from passing to non-passing.

[tatorthots]

— a jealous encounter

Featured: wanderer x afab!reader x Childe (implied)

cw: suggestive themes, jealousy, cursing, (slight) hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, (slight) possessiveness

Synopsis: Jealousy is nothing more than a pathetic human emotion. It’s truly almost humorous how insecure and weak-minded mortals are, getting riled up simply because the object of their affection gets a little attention. Of course, the former sixth harbinger is far above such trivial emotions (he’s not)

a/n: scara being jealous, soft, and sulky because I said so and also I used sm names for scara because I didn’t know what name to use and I panicked btw have you guys been playing the windtrace event?? I literally can’t stop playing it help

art credit: @Liann1009 on twt

The swaying of forest leaves reflected off the clear spring waters of the still river you had come to rest by. The sun was still high above the fluffy clouds and its warmth gently kissed the skin of every living being and creature under it. It was truly a beautiful day in the outskirts of Sumeru City. And along with the chirping of birds, the sound of your laughter resonated through the forest breeze like a soft melody — absolutely enchanting, he thought, if it wasn’t caused by that damned insolent insect.

Archons, could the man not get a break? Is this finally the ‘divine punishment’ mortals so often preach about? Glaring sharp eyes quietly trailed the tall, orange-headed idiot as he fumbled around you like some love-sick child, far too comfortable with you for the latter's liking. Feelings of disdain soon turned to seething anger. Despite all my efforts, slender fingers dug into the grass underneath him, he still manages to ruin what little I have. Had he not gone through grueling enough changes? Did sacrificing absolutely everything to start anew mean so little? He gave up his past titles, erased his previous relationships, and severed every last thread that connected him to his past self — aside from you — and yet, here stood the bane of his existence during his time as a Fatui Harbinger. And to make things worse, you’re actually friends with him.

Childe, he sneered.

“Ajax, how could you get so excited over anemo slimes?” You giggled as your eyes fluttered into crescents and you bashfully hit the freckled man next to you. You couldn’t help but tease your longtime friend for getting so excited over a few anemo slimes floating around a tree. Though you’d admit, the straight edge determination reflecting from his ocean eyes as he stood straight and strung his bow back to aim made your stomach swirl slightly. You noticed the way his fingertips elegantly let go of the string and effortlessly sliced through the anemo slime mid-air, despite being positioned below and meters away from the distant cliff side tree the anemo slimes were hovering around. It’s amazing, you thought. But what earned him your admiration was the simple fact that he wasn’t trying. Childe didn’t need to. Even when he’s doing something in lighthearted fun, so long as it involves weapons, he’ll breeze through any obstacle or ‘challenge’ with ease. That’s what made Childe, Tartaglia.

However, there was someone who didn’t share that sentiment.

Honestly, Scaramouche doesn’t even know how he ended up in this archon-forsaken situation. The day had begun like any other day, with your limbs intertwined with Scaramouche as he gently stroked your hair and counted the seconds in between as your chest slowly rose and fell — an action he vehemently denies that he does because he longs for your touch; not to mention that it just so happens that the feel of your body against his calms the occasional insecurities and self-deprecating voices whispering in his head. Scaramouche lightly shook his head in flustered contempt when he caught himself softly smiling and gqze slightly softening at the memory of your skin against his, useless thoughts aren’t going to aid me in figuring out how or why I’m stuck here. internally groaning he thought of when you woke up today. you had found him already awake and tidying up the room you had both stayed in the previous night. As you sat up rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you watched Scaramouches quick and precise movements as he prepared your traveling satchel. Funny, you thought, he does all this and I never hear a thing. As much of a light sleeper as you might be, no matter how many chores he’s completed before you wake, you never hear a sound stir you from your slumber. Of course, when you finally got out of bed you found yourself presented with a small plate of assorted fresh fruit waiting for you on the kitchen table, a sight you see every morning. However, you’ve long learned better than to outright thank him for breakfast, or any small acts of service. Not because you don’t appreciate his quiet considerations, but because you learned that Scaramouche will act like a total brat if you confront him about his kindness. Insults range from calling you a moron to being labeled delusional, so you’ve figured it’s best to enjoy these little things and thank him in that way. Lastly, Scara thought about the events that happened after breakfast when it was time to set off yet again. Ah, that’s right…, he begrudgingly remembered. it was as soon as you left the inn that you happened to bump into a tall figure. An apology left your lips quickly before you hurriedly scrambled to catch up to Scaramouches' fading figure until a hand cautiously grabbed your wrist.

“Y/n?” The stranger spoke. At the sound of your name, you quickly whipped your head around to see a messy head of orange locks and a familiar lopsided smile being directed at you. “Ajax?” “So it is you—!!” Sculpted arms immediately wrapped around your frame and lifted you into their embrace. “It’s been too long!”, the voice beamed, and your momentary confusion soon turned into joy as you wrapped your arms around his neck and softly giggled. “What are you doing here? I thought you were on a mission in Inazuma?” You questioned as he set you down with his hands still latched onto your hips, “Well I was mostly there for personal affairs, and I just arrived in sumeru a few weeks ago on assignment,” his voice softened as his head slightly tilted to the side, “I’ve been missing you.” Raising your hand to cup his cheek, you brushed your thumb across the freckles adorning the mighty 11ths features, “I’ve missed you too, Ajax.” Then as if a light bulb had just lit up in his head Childe clasped his hand over yours, “Are you free today? Why don’t you go sightseeing with me? My treat!” “Ah, well I’m actually traveli—“ but before you could finish your sentence you felt cold fingertips clasp around your forearm and roughly snatch it away from the gingers hold, “She’s traveling with me,” indigo irises narrowed menacingly on Childe, and the pure aura exuding from the raven-haired man was comparably hostel to the icy and dreadful snowstorms of Snezhnaya. Scaramouche forced himself between you and Childe, standing protectively in front of you as the latter glared down at him with a smile still plastered across his lips, “Comrade. Who’s this?” Childe inquired, “Oh! This is m—“ you tried answering but Scaramouche cut you off once more with an exaggerated scoff, “The question is who are you?” Crossing his arms and holding his head ever so arrogantly he continued, “Tch. Don't you have any common decency? Or are you just too impertinent to practice basic respect?” A short, dry laugh left Childes lips, “I see.” Crossing his arm and raising a hand up to lightly tap his fingertips on his jaw, Childe feigned ignorance, “Y/n never minded my touches,” with a taunting smile and desolate eyes, he chuckled, “in fact, I’m all too familiar with where she prefers to be touched.” And with that Scaramouches patience snapped, “You dare to—“ sensing the oncoming altercation you quickly grabbed a hold of Scaras hand and guided him behind you, “You’re both very important to me,” you began, “and if I matter to either of you then you’d respect those who matter to me,” glancing between the two men you sharpened your tone, “I’d like you both to get along.”

That was the last thing Scaramouche recalled before he found himself third wheeling the rest of the day. With each moment seemingly getting worse and worse. What an infantile reason to get excited about. They’re practically oversized balloons, his attention darted in Childes direction and his usual scowl was now replaced with a daggering glower, Evidently, this damn worthless scum is filled with much more hot air than any damn anemo slime in the sky.

Scaramouche wasn’t ignorant, it was clear to him since that nuisance came around that his former Harbinger ‘comrade’ had deeper feelings for you than he let on. After all, despite his distaste for the man Scara had spent adequate enough time with Childe to learn a few aspects about him; firstly, Childe can be described by humans as having an extroverted, ‘charming’ persona, and he has no trouble making friends wherever he goes, however, he never lets anyone touch him — it’s a subtle habit and not one easily picked up on; a far cry to the current situation in which Scaramouche has had to swat his hand away from you for the fourth time in a minute. Secondly, despite the hours upon hours the idiot could spend rambling about fishing or spar training, he never actually shares any personal information about himself, and yet, he’d gone as far as surrendering his real name to you. Not to mention he had no problem speaking to you about how much his siblings would ‘love’ you, of course, they’d love her, he scoffed, who doesn’t fall for her? Lastly, and most notably, Childe has no glimmer of life in his eyes. To be honest, if Scaramouche had to think, the only other time the 11th showed even a hint of a glint he would say it would be when Childes tearing his enemies limb from limb — an idea Scara is finding more and more appealing. So then, he thought, I guess I’ll just have to stomp on that little light of his. Tapping his foot impatiently on the ground an ominous shadow gloomed over his face as he lost himself in his thoughts, she’s mine. mine. mine. It had been long since Scaramouche had realized his feelings for you, and he had made it very clear to you that he had no intention of sharing you with others. No, Scaramouche no longer wanted just your friendship, he wanted you.

“Shall I go buy some snacks from a food stall nearby before dinner, comrade?” Standing from his spot next to you, Childe towered over you with his body leaning down to loom mere inches from your slightly warmed face, “I did say I’d treat you today..” half-lidded eyes traced your movements as he brought a gloved hand to cascade across your cheekbone, “didn’t I?” His voice was low and his smile smug; Childe knew full well what he was doing in front of Scaramouche, and he basked in it, though it’s not as if these actions were all too new either. “A-ah.. I- um,” stuttering over her words, huh?, Childe mused, how cute. However, the mere sight of this atrocious act almost made Scaramouche use his anemo vision to slice that wretched excuse of a warrior in half. With a soft smile, you leaned into Childes hand, making the man’s eyes widen in slight surprise as a light dust of pink spread over his face, “That’d be great Ajax, thank you.”

Internally groaning, Scaramouche rested his arms on his knees and hid his head behind his arms as his pretty lilac eyes stayed focused on you, there’s her smile again…, his brows faintly knitted together when he felt his chest start to ache, always caused by something else. He couldn’t help but wonder whether you were truly happy wandering through the lands of Teyvat with him.

“Then I’ll make it quick!” With a goofy smile and a wink, Childe went off into the city walls. Leaving you and Scaramouche resting alone with nothing more than the sound of the river flowing and the city chatter lightly busting in the background. Closing his eyes, Scaramouches brows quirked in annoyance, that self-serving imbecile didn’t even bother to pretend he even remembered me. The feeling in his chest was all too familiar to the electro Archons puppet. Clutching where his heart should be he couldn’t understand why this feeling wouldn’t go away. He couldn’t understand why he hadn’t learned his lesson despite starting anew. Maybe I was meant to live this way… he thought. Feeling a small tap on his shoulder, Scara whipped his head up to see you sitting right next to him, your body lulled to the side and brushing against him as you tilted your head down to get a better look at his sulking face. For a second he was stunned by the suddenness of your closeness, but then he was held captive by your feathery lashes and beaming smile; a warm smile finally directed at him. How quickly his chest went from hurting to blooming with warmth was almost pathetic. Even if you were the reason why he was drowning in misery, even if his pain had been caused by your ignorance, you were still the reason why he felt joy. It’s always because of you…, without realizing his hand had already reached to gently tuck the loose strands of hair blowing across your face, and just as quickly as he realized he retracted his hand in a huff of frustration and embarrassment.

Humming in acknowledgment, you stared off into the grassy mountains of sumeru, “You’ve been awfully quiet today,” your voice was soft and tranquil, “how uncharacteristic of you, no?” Glancing to the side you smiled when you saw him lightly scoff under his breath as he turned his head away from your direction.

“I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re rambling on about.” He grumbled.

“Shall I elaborate?”

“I’d rather you not.” Piercing irises threateningly glared in your direction.

“You’ve been ill-tempered,” you began, and Scaramouche rolled his eyes, “hmm which isn’t all too out of the ordinary, but you’ve definitely been lashing out at every little thing.” With a knowing glint, you glanced at your longtime companion, “Not to mention your aggression with Ajax.” And at that Scaramouche grimaced at the way you spoke his actual name, “You force yourself between Ajax and I whenever he gets close, you demean every single thing he says, you smack his hand away when he reaches out to me — even if it’s just to hand me something, and you taunt and mock him every chance you get,” pausing for a second you let out a heavy exhale before softening your gaze, unsure of whether what you say next is the right thing. “Kuni… all of that isn’t what worries me,” at that you felt his entire body stiffen, seemingly holding his breath as if every ticking second was more important than the last, “I noticed the nail marks you have on your palms from all the time you’ve spent clenching your fists, and I see the conflict that’s been raging behind your eyes since this journey with the three of us began,” balling your owns fists on the fabric of your clothes you let out your final observation, “As small as the changes are, or as hard as you try to hide it, kunikuzushi, I see you. I’ve memorized every expression, studied every curve and line that forms on your features and what they mean… I know you fear that I’ll abandon you,” you purse your lips at the thought, “So how dare you. How dare you ever think I would abandon my other half.”

The absolute, incredulous stare Scaramouche gave you almost made you choke out a muffled laugh. Catching the anemo holder off guard and speechless was a prize all too rare to witness. Yet, what caught your attention wasn’t that you’ve managed to leave him stunned and tight-lipped but instead the unfamiliar red that spread from his cheeks to his ears. There was a quiet gasp from your lips as you admired how beautifully his pale complexion was set off by the searing color. Instantly, your ears perk up as he speaks.

“I.. you don’t…” he began, but immediately he stopped himself. Then, a moment passed. And then a minute. The tension between you two seemed to pile up in pressure, and you now found yourself holding your breath and feeling your heart start to quicken as you stared at him. Awaiting what was to come next. With a defeated look and an airy sigh, he finally turned his full head toward you. “You really are foolish y/n,” his voice was strained, and his eyes peered into yours with such a soft intensity, “hah, really.. you couldn’t be more incompetent, could you?” Swallowing the lump in your throat, your glistening doe eyes simply gawked at him almost owl-like, and he couldn’t help but chuckle at your dumbfounded face. Then that’s when he smiled. A true, genuine, adoring smile, “Haven’t you realized that I’m in lo-“

“I’m back—!”

Childe’s voice ripped through the tension and practically grated Scaramouches ears while you jumped, startled at the sudden noise. Snapping your head to Childe, you saw him holding a small bag with the label titled Puspa Café. “I hope you don’t mind what I got us!” Reaching his hand into the bag he pulled out a crispy, sweet-smelling Candied Ajilenakh Nut dessert, “When I was walking through the different vendors, I was quite surprised to have found a dish that looked so similar to one of the desserts my motherland of Snezhnaya has!” Childe puffed his chest and extended the sugary sweet to you, “Though I’m confident the one from home tastes much better than this, I’m happy to share something similar with you,” softening his azure gaze as you took the dessert from him he continued with a gentler tone, “but I hope to one day treat you to one back home.” Blinking once, then blinking twice, you quickly glanced over at Scaramouche now positioned with his knee up and resting his arm on his knee to hide his face once more, I wonder what would’ve happened…, you pondered, but you knew better than to prod the conversation given the current situation. I suppose it’d be best to ask again later, turning your attention back to Childe you offered a thankful smile, “I’m sure one day we can visit if Kuni agrees to go.” At that, both men froze for a second. We..?, now it was Scaramouches turn to stare owlishly at the dancing grass brushing against his fingers, and without noticing he felt his entire body relax as he let out a quiet, small sigh of relief. Whereas Childe clenched his jaw in annoyance while still forcing an easy-going facade, I need to get rid of him, “Sounds like a plan comrade!” Was all he could muster through slightly clasped teeth as he sat down next to you. Humming to himself in deep thought, Childe wondered what to do about that asshole little leech that stayed glued to you.

All of you sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes — well, two were lost in their own thoughts either processing or scheming, whereas you simply sat between the two men enjoying time together as you feast on your sweet treat. "Ah. Comrade, you seem to have a few crumbs," "Hm?" Moving your hand up to brush away the stray pieces, Childe gently stopped you, "Allow me." He softly spoke as he leaned in close and carefully swiped away the crumbs; his hand then cascaded across your plush skin and caressed the curve of your jaw. Gazing into his eyes and cheeky smile, you found yourself at a loss, feeling both embarrassed and shy from the gesture.

Scaramouche, however, was not at all pleased. This little game of Childes has gone on far too long and writhing in self-loathing had been nothing but a waste of time. You were his. You’ll always be his, and there wasn’t a human, harbinger, adeptus, or archon in this damned world that could ever change that. So, with swift movements, he laced an arm around your waist and pulled you on top of his lap and into his possessive embrace. The sudden movement had stunned both you and Childe and you had no time to react as your eyes glanced up at the smug smirk spreading across Scaramouches lips. His eyes were low and scowling intently at Childe, while the Harbingers smiling face quickly fell, replaced by a much colder and sinister glower. “All this time and not once did you offer me one of those burnt little treats,” Scaras voice was low and mocking, and you could feel the icy touch of his slender fingertip tracing down the side of your face to the base of your chin to guide your full attention towards him, “guess that just means I have to take one myself, won’t I?” And in a quick moment, his lips came crashing down on yours. His kiss was rough but cautious, and you could feel the longing and desperation emitting atop his soft lips. At first, your eyes blew wide open in shock, but then, no matter how hard you tried to focus on what was going going on or move your body to react, all you could fixate on was one little detail, his lips taste.. like a Zaytun peach.

Parting his lips from yours, his eyes quickly scanned your face for any hint of disgust, any reaction, anything. You could clearly see the worry pooling in his irises, but before regret could creep up on him your eyes turned into crescent moons, and a pretty pink blush flushed your cheeks as you smiled dotingly at him. He was taken aback. At first, he was shocked, then confused, he even felt a little angry, but mostly he felt love. Turning his attention from you to the glaring daggers and clenched fists Childe had, Scara smiled in triumph and narrowed his eyes in slight. “You’re right, Harbinger,” bringing his thumb up to glide across his lips he licked them, “this treat isn’t bad, hah, not bad at all.”

side note: happy new year everyone!! and happy birthday to my first, and most cherished, Zhongli ᥫ᭡

Reblogs and Interactions Are Appreciated!! ღ

[taylortruther]

The bridge of You're Losing Me really hits me like a Metra train every single time I hear it still...like it feels like she is pleading her case to get him to love her back..."I gave you my best mes and my endless empathy I was your bravest soldier I'm in the frontlines fighting for you I'M THE BEST THING AT THIS PARTY!!" like she's giving him reasons to appreciate her, she's making herself look as desirable and compromising as possible, she's trying to please him and he doesn't care...and then the heartbreaking, jawdropping retraction of her words "I wouldn't marry me either a pathological people pleaser" like she's given up the act, she's tired and just being honest and trying to sprinkle in some self deprecating humour to mask her hurt...and then "who only wanted you to see her" feels as bitter and scathing as it does a pathetic confession.

She's telling him that she didn't want much and he couldn't even give her THAT (the bar is on the ground and he dug a hole) but it also feels like a last ditch attempt at her telling him "THERE'S STILL TIME, you can still appreciate me".

It's like the bridge starts off with Taylor at the prime of her rage, frustration and confidence that she could convince him to save their relationship...and with every passing lyric her facade slips and she becomes more hauntingly honest...finally accumulating in the outro where she's just straight up laying out her demands to him and begging him to DO SOMETHING about it.

It feels like the last line "I've got nothing to believe unless you're choosing me...you're losing me" is more of an honest confession to herself than to him. It feels like she finally realised that if he's not willing to give her what she needs, she's also willing to leave him.

The whole song is literally so OOTW paranoia coded...the "stop, stop, stop" and "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" feel like ultimatums to HIM...because she's done all she could have and now she wants him to reciprocate. I think the last line is her realising what needs to be done and the fact that this was written in 2022 ALLEGEDLY is sooo terrifying.

YES the pacing of that song, the way her voice rises and falls, tells a story on its own. all her rage and despair, and all her hope, fading out like a dying thing.

the frontlines stanza really hits me because she's literally like... i did all of these things for you!!! i was your best friend and your biggest ally!! i did EVERYTHING, how can you not SEE how good i've been here??? and it always brings to mind this visual of a woman desperately scratching and banging at a closed door.

[elvencantation]

weird things i don’t know if i can attribute to trauma or adhd or social anxiety:

-super sensitive smell and taste. carbonation hurts my tongue

-sometimes brain decides perfectly good food is bad (usually if i’ve had it too many times or its too bland) and if i make myself eat it i’ll have a stomachache (also sometimes i just don’t have the energy to try new foods)

-subset of this: i am very sad when my tomatoes or nectarines (or anything else that i love to be firm) is soft or otherwise unusually textured. like if i can see they’re wrinkly or lumpy i will not eat them. i am currently staring at some sad tomatoes being like. will my mouth accept them or will they be too soft

-unspoken social rules i don’t know and anxiety about new social situations i have no context for, no list of example responses and what it leads to

-i have two social modes that its very hard to find middle ground between: stranger and person who is safe

-bothers me when people are wrong about something and i am often not able to stop myself from correcting them

-very blunt and bad at subtext, take things way too literally especially when im tired

-let me expound on that. even when i know the question isn’t meant literally, usually i answer it literally first, then as they meant it. i play it off as a joke but it’s hard to resist being totally and completely honest if there isn’t a reason (like info about myself i think people don’t need to know)

-no understanding of peer pressure and why someone would change themselves to fit in (like srsly how do you find genuine friends with common interests and stuff if you’re hiding who you are?)

-annoyed by overly self-deprecating statements. have dealt with this by being overly sarcastic like- OH MY GOD. HOW DARE YOU HAVE HUMAN EMOTIONS AROUND ME, ANOTHER HUMAN YOU TRUST AND WHO CARES ABOUT YOU???

-constant over analysis of myself and how new people perceive me, esp coworkers (since they’re not friends, they don’t choose to spend time with me) UPDATE: i’ve mostly stopped doing this. turns out it was social anxiety and the fact that i had to meet like over fifty new coworkers at once

-i logic my own emotions. i can logic myself out of them sometimes if they’re negatively affecting me. usual example: i can usually set aside my anxiety at something if there's nothing i can do to change it. or more accurately if i've taken a step towards fixing whatever triggered it

-very slow reflexes/processing time

-can’t stand pet hair on my clothes or stuff

⁃very fluid sense of opinion. very influenced by the opinions of those im close to. to the point where a dress i loved, i couldn’t bear to wear because my mom said it looked trashy. to the point where my best friend said she didn’t like a song, so i didn’t really like it (i just listened to it, and its not a bad song. i think i do like it? idk) i think this used to be more severe when i had less self confidence but still happens now sometimes

-secondhand embarrassment can become so unbearable and i have to plug my ears and want to hide. sometimes will literally hide if possible if the situation is happening irl

-dissociating after 2+ hours staring at a screen

-if there’s no background noise i can hear my ears ringing and that’s not fun

-i never get angry. upset sure. anger or rage? i can remember feeling properly angry like. once. when my brother was young and traumatized and did something totally stupid and fucked with my sweet cousin. that’s… pretty much it. but mostly it was my protective instinct and i think i was scared cause i didn’t understand what was happening

-the sheer panic and frustration that happens when someone misunderstands my words consistently. like if you cannot understand what i am saying how do i communicate with you? in the time honored words of dr seuss: "i meant what i said and i said what i meant"

-this might be a mom trauma thing but- when someone's less emotive and quieter around me, they are mad at me. but if they smile at something i said, they are no longer mad at me

-i need a wide information on all the ways a certain social interaction will go before i feel confident participating

-i tend to dominate conversations with my interests and am very bad at asking specific questions. usually i just try to encourage people to do what i do and tell me their interests my association

[tothestarsinvelaris]

Rain by Sleep Token is so Elriel coded.

I just can't get over how much it sounds like Azriel talking to Elain

(obvs the song isn't actually about them, but I had to break down the lyrics with an Elriel specific interpretation bc its just so fitting)

For so long, I have waited So long that I almost became Just a stoic statue, fit for nobody

This whole section is him commenting on how he was pining after Mor for 500 years and lost himself in the process, always beating himself up for feeling inadequate to the point of fading into the background.

And I don't wanna get in your way But I finally think I can say That the vicious cycle was over The moment you smiled at me

I don't wanna get in your way - the mating bond is there with Lucien, and while he knows she's not really into him, he wants to give her a fair chance. Plus, Azriel is well aware of Elain dealing with the trauma of being Made against her will and her recently broken engagement with Grayson. I finally think I can say that the vicious cycle was over the moment you smiled at me - He and Elain have admired each other from the first time they met at the Archeron estate while she was still human. She asked about his wings and flying and they immediately understood each other in the roles they played for their families. She broke the cycle he was stuck in with Mor.

And just like the rain You cast the dust into nothing And wash out the salt from my hands So touch me again I feel my shadow dissolving Will you cleanse me with pleasure?

You cast the dust into nothing - Elain makes him feel alive, she makes him forget about the years of pining and feeling like a statue. She made him laugh like nobody in the IC had ever heard him laugh before. And wash out the salt from my hands - she said his hands were beautiful, she doesn't balk from his scars or the blood on his hands. She is also associated with gardening, baking, and cooking food, which are all things that bring life and happiness, she has easily and effortlessly included him in these things already, and he has shown that he wants to participate in them with her, giving him a way to use his hands for good. So touch me again I feel my shadow dissolving - his shadows canonically disappear when he's feeling safe, happy, comfortable, at peace, etc. They seem to always disappear when Elain is around, which is just more evidence that she makes him feel cared for. Will you cleanse me with pleasure? - it's giving the bonus chapter almost kiss where he is ready to beg on his knees for a taste of her

It's that chemical cut that I can get down with Up like the moon and out like the hounds A dangerous disposition somehow Refracted in light, reflected in sound I'm coiled up like the venomous serpent Tangled in your trance and I'm certain You have got your hooks in me

Up like the moon and out like the hounds - he literally can't sleep over her. A dangerous disposition refracted in light, reflected in sound - the mating bond, the heated convo in the BC with Rhys, the threat of the blood duel, etc. But its all encompassing. His feelings take over his entire being and make up everything he sees and hears around him. I'm coiled up like the venomous serpent tangled in your trance and I'm certain you have got your hooks in me - he's so caught up and tightly wound bc he can't have her and can't even express his feelings properly, but he knows she feels the same way.

I know, I know, the way that it goes You get what you give, you reap what you sow And I can see you in my fate And I know, I know, I am what I am The mouth of the wolf, the eyes of the lamb So darling, will you saturate?

I know the way that it goes you get what you give, you reap what you sow - he doesn't feel like he is deserving of someone as pure and precious as Elain. He doesn't seem to really think he's deserving of anything or anyone at all tbh. His thoughts in the BC are so self-deprecating, which clearly stems from a life of not being understood and his childhood traumas I can see you in my fate - he feels so strongly for Elain, he's literally questioning their religion. He's asking things like 'what if the cauldron was wrong?' His feelings for Elain are what he's observed both Rhys and Cassian feel for Feyre and Nesta in their mating bonds, its like he can see Elain in his fate. (also, love that she's a seer and the little nod to that with this line) I know, I am what I am, the mouth of the wolf, the eyes of the lamb - Azriel feels impure because of the things he's done in his life and the blood he's shed. He would refer to himself as the mouth of the wolf - deadly, sharp, vicious) and would refer to Elain as the eyes of the lamb (innocent, pure, precious).

Nobody can say for certain If maybe its all just a game When I open my eyes to the future I can hear you say my name So rain down on me

When I open my eyes to the future I can hear you say my name - I honestly just love the nod to her seer abilities again with this line. I would love to have their book involve Elain having visions about a future with Azriel in some way. I just love thinking about this from Azriel's pov and him being like "look, I'm not a seer, but I see you in my future"

ugh this song, this band, this ship!!! 🥰💙

[pickledsprite]

Hii! I hope you are doing well. Sooooo, I'm over the moon with sprolden and I feel I need more of them. Could you recommend some fics? Also, I'll love to hear your thoughts about they rls. I live to read analysis of them (only if you comfortable). thanks

Hiii!!

I don’t rlly have fanfic recommendations bc I haven’t read some in a looongg time but I would LOVE to give you my thoughts on sprolden/solitaire!

first of all I don’t think people really understand their dynamic in the right way. I usually see fans labelling them as a “golden retriever/black cat” duo, which is cute but that kinda just stereotypes them into a box… like;

There’s this depressed girl and a happy sunshine guy that comes and saves her life and makes her happy again!!

and this isn’t true, it’s literally in the book.

"I'm just some tool who's always turning up to stop you hating yourself so much." "That's wrong," I say. "That's completely wrong."

Tori and Michael are both completely lost in their lives they just show it differently!

Tori is a complete pessimist who hates herself and everything. She has self deprecating thoughts that make her unable to say the things she truly thinks. And bc she hates life so much, she doesn’t see the point. Not seeing the point in anything is distorting her life bc she cares so much. She is so caring and she feels guilty for not doing anything about it. She feels guilty for not helping others and deep down, herself. Anyways you get the jizz the girl is depressed asf and it shows.

Michael on the other hand is an optimist who is angry. He hates himself but he does have a somewhat better way of seeing life. I mean from an early age he understood he was different. (autism!!!!!!!!!) But he found comfort in skating and reading which helped him escape reality. Even though sometimes it was more damaging than helpful. Although we don’t know much about his home life we can only assume its not really healthy.. his parents are clearly not supportive of his speed skating career. He seeks out validation and that’s why he calls himself a "try hard". I think his self hatred was caused from all the bullying and his unsupportive parents.

And with this we can better understand why Michael was so quick to connect with Tori even thought they seem so different at first. Tori didn’t quite get attached to Michael so quickly but she did have that connection from the start. Michael felt it and that’s why he stuck around for so long. I needed her. He wanted friends so badly and he took the chance and ran (skated) with it. Even thought It was hard because Tori didn’t understand. that’s why she was always pushing him away. She couldn’t grasp the fact that someone cared and showed it. She couldn’t accept the love he was giving her because we accept the love we think we deserve. Michael at some point obviously got fed up with her and was like “You don’t see me as a person at all, do you?" Since he’s been alienated his whole life. That’s when Tori realized, Michael wasn’t just there trying to “cheer her up” he was there because he needed her! Just like how she needed him. When Higgs was burning down she was only thinking about him! She thought she had lost him and it was all for nothing. She was brought back to her late January self and she was scared that she would have to deal with it again but all alone this time. She had lost everything, her school, her best friends, and herself. On the roof she eventually had enough of the pain wanted to end it all. Her seeing Charlie,Becky,Nick and Lucas was one thing but seeing michael was another. It Must have been somewhat relieving but being perceived at her most vulnerable is terrifying! when talking to Michael she was at a lost of words fearing that Michaels opinion of her had changed. But it didn’t. Michael understood her and even confessed to his own problems.

“I pause. Suddenly understanding everything. This boy. This person. How has it taken me this long to understand? He needed me as much as I needed him, because he was angry, and he has always been angry. "You wanted the school to burn."

He chuckles again and rubs his eyes. "You do know me." And he's right. I do know him. Just because someone smiles doesn't mean that they're happy."

Anyways I got carried away and I really don’t know how to finish this SORRY😭

[batsplat]

hello dr. batsplat! in your gossip post you listed the post-aragón 2015 rumor that vale went on to interrogate dani about why he raced him so hard, and how that is at the same time wildly unlikely but also would be fascinating from the character standpoint. i watched aragón a couple of times for my own purposes, but there were some bits along the way that made me think of it

first, it's the pre-race comment made by jorge's team manager wilko zeelenberg: "one: one never writes off valentino rossi, and two: we'll need some help from dani pedrosa". the british comms then milked it for all its worth. and after the race, in parc fermé, vale says in his interview, "i needed those five points more!" which is like. not a particularly outrageous thing to say, especially combined with vale's joking/self-deprecating tone, but, as you rightfully pointed out, marca is not a reliable source (don't trust them farther than you can throw their print copy...) you also said there was a second story they combined with the first one, about vale crashing a honda party in phillip island - so did the article come out after the australian race - or even after sepang? because then marca's implication would be that vale counted dani into the spanish conspiracy even if he didn't verbalize it

which overall tells us nothing in terms of like. Did It Actually Happen, HOWEVER. i, personally, think it would be fun and juicy if it DID and kind of marked the start of vale's descent. because, as you've also said, vale excels in one-on-ones, and always had dani covered... but not in aragón. is that the point where doubt starts creeping into his mind, that it's not the same as it was before, that he's not the same as he was? (i may be wildly misreading and dramatizing everything). and a LOT of people commented on how hard dani raced there, which is- first of all, why wouldn't he. but this, combined with his interactions with jorge (that podium is a pedrenzo shipper's paradise), maybe seemed... a touch suspicious.

yeah the story was published after sepang! but... uh, I'm gonna be honest, I wrote that gossip post quite quickly, did not check any of my sources and, well, I'm very sorry to the writers at el pais because I accidentally got my spanish papers mixed up. so, um, my sincere apologies to el pais for calling you marca, it will NOT happen again. here's the article which I'd copy pasted into my actual, y'know, notes (it was behind a paywall):

even though the dani rumour to the best of my knowledge originated here, I've seen only that one spread elsewhere - not the marc one. which isn't really surprising. getting mad at dani feels kinda newsworthy, kinda quirky, who gets mad at dani right. plus, the marc story really isn't all that believable. look, we won't ever know for sure.... but valentino interrupting a honda party to interrogate marc fits in with quite literally nothing we've heard from any involved parties, ever? marc has repeatedly said the sepang thing took him by surprise, that valentino had his phone number and didn't use it and all that, valentino has never made reference to this conversation, nobody at honda has ever mentioned anything like this... you watch the sepang presser and you just don't buy marc went into that with forewarning, right? how would his emotional reaction work in this hypothetical scenario? 'wow, valentino already complained to me directly about the stuff he's now accusing me of during a party a few days ago, but I guess I'm still surprised because I didn't think he'd talk about it in a presser'? like... it just doesn't feel right, does it

and, yeah, if you're reading an article and most of the paragraph you're on kinda sounds like bullshit, then you're going to treat the first two sentences with some scepticism too. the dani one is more plausible in that it hasn't been repeatedly directly contradicted by both major parties, but it does also feel. odd. this isn't how valentino handles his conflicts. if you want to know how valentino handles his conflicts, it's quite literally sepang 2015 - that weekend feels completely in-keeping with his conflict management (and escalation) in a way this aragon story just..... doesn't? he actively evades a private conversation with biaggi, he conducts his warfare with sete completely in the open (cf sepang 2004), same with casey, with jorge, with marc... I think what I wrote in the gossip post is that it'd be interesting because it would feel out of character, in a way that I don't really think anything else in 2015 is really does for valentino? again, I don't want to dismiss the article out of hand, but it does read more like an op-ed than actual reporting. and just to clarify, the piece isn't exactly trying to argue that valentino thought dani was involved with any conspiracy. it's more a general argument that valentino that year was unravelling, that he was demanding some distance from fans, that he'd manage to silence iannone (?) and so on. which, there's some truth to that - but even if everything in the piece is factually correct, the whole thing is pretty shoddy journalism. the aragon story has never to my knowledge been corroborated by another source - and the outlets I usually treat as reputable for motogp news didn't even report on it. could be true, might not be true, but it is very much a rumour spread around by a source with skin in the game

that being said! I do completely buy valentino was more frustrated by that race than he let on in public - and yes, his joking about how he would have really needed those points does encourage that impression. and yes, it is also pretty noteworthy as basically the only time dani bests him in extended combat. it's some very sturdy defending by dani's standards, a bit of a one-off performance in his career. by that point in the championship, every race felt extremely significant... you could say that race bears some surface level similarity to estoril 2006, where valentino lost a very close race to toni elias who really wasn't getting the better off him all that much (well, I suppose that one time he shoved valentino off-track at turkey 2007 lol). maybe also a little phillip island 2009, come to think of it, just a different championship picture. though those two are a little different - and in both estoril and phillip island I reckon it's fair to say valnetino was motivated to be more cautious than he was at aragon. I think it's... hm. I don't hate the interpretation it's the beginning of the end - honestly it is fun for narrative reasons! it's fun to look at turning points! but the way I personally read the 2015 season, I kinda think once you pass assen, pretty much every race contributes to that downfall? in one way or another

let's quickly go through them. *takes deep breath* in sachsenring, you've got a version of marc who is still clearly hung up about assen and shows as much in his presser answers. he does more or less manage to get over it during the summer break, which is the chance for a bit of a reset for everyone, but by that point the damage has already been done. from then on, there's several moments in these pressers where marc is getting asked about the title fight, is saying that 'well valentino is slower but he's been very consistent!!' again and again, is being constantly asked about his potential role as kingmaker and it's all very sword of damocles given valentino is sitting Right There... indy and brno work as this duo of races that make the title feel like it's slipping away from valentino, and at brno valentino relinquishes the championship lead for the first time (if only on countback). at brno, marc also decides to kinda harass him during qualifying (he'd already done his last flying lap so wasn't just catching a tow) - and they're asked about it in press, they joke about it, but it's just another moment where once again.... if that's one of the things valentino remembers from that weekend? not ideal. silverstone is just stress, and yes it massively helps valentino in the championship, the rain was a gift from god... but also you've got this niggling sensation of 'wow marc really is harassing valentino around that track, he kinda wasn't in control of that bike', and then marc crashes - and you end that weekend with a sense that jorge actually got a lucky break of his own to limit the points damage. misano is again helpful for valentino's championship, again is heightened stress due to the flag-to-flag conditions, again there's a sliding doors moment or two where you feel valentino should have gotten more of a points buffer out it, it's also the heightened stress of his home race and how the fans Just Will Not Leave Him Alone... plus silverstone and misano are on-track confrontations with marc that valentino has explicitly referred back to as moments where his suspicions were aroused. aragon, never been one of his favourite tracks where he was already in damage limitation mode but then would have expected to get past dani in direct combat... not the easiest of tracks for making overtakes stick and gets repeatedly cut back and frustrated (just ask marc about that kind of aragon experience lol). the fact that motegi/phillip island/sepang is a flyaway triple header, exhausting and away from home and already so very late into the season... everything about motegi was extremely stressful - that moment in the race when it looked like valentino might be proper fucked when dani got past until it became clear he actually could follow dani past jorge on his slightly healthier tyres in that kinda odd race. after the race, reporters commented that this was as physically exhausted as they'd ever seen valentino - who had worked so hard on his fitness for this season but, y'know, age comes for us all... this was taking so much more out of him than it ever had. and then you get to phillip island!! a mere week later! where he never quite looked like he had the pace for the victory, but kept himself in that lead fight through sheer intransigence and could take advantage of the other riders getting in each others' ways - before ultimately coming away with a disappointing result. and then sepang is a mere week after that, but I've heard that one at least was a quiet one

the point here is that it's a cumulative effect. I think aragon does stand out a little bit in that it's arguably the first of only two times that season valentino actually gets bested in wheel-to-wheel combat. but... I mean, his issue that year definitely wasn't the w2w stuff and all in all he would've LOVED to Actually Fight Jorge. it's a lot harder to fuck with a rival when they're always ten seconds up or down the road. I also don't think he really needed a moment of realisation that season about his waning abilities as a rider. he'd had four years worth of realisation that he wasn't the rider he was in his prime any more! stuff like aragon may have served as a brutal reminder, but at the end of the day 2015 was quite explicitly a campaign of relentless maximisation, a title charge built on podium rather than victories (see here). 2015 is such a defensive title campaign that his prevailing mode isn't cockiness... it's creeping desperation. he was also constantly being reminded by literally everyone that jorge was faster than him (including by marc, repeatedly), which he never complained about but like... how could that not piss you off? or maybe not even piss you off as much as it just... makes your resolve even greater, makes the stakes even higher to you. nobody thought you could do this after valencia 2013, everyone thought it was over for you, now they still won't trust in your abilities and you have to prove them wrong... the worst thing about aragon imo was that it comes just... as a reminder, as a way of twisting in the knife a little further. one more frustration in a season that felt full of them

the fun thing about 2015 narratively is that it's like,, custom-built to gradually chip away at valentino's sanity, at a time when he'd mostly ditched all his old tricks. he's reserved in his race-by-race celebrations (watch catalunya 2009/assen 2015 side by side and this might as well be a different person), he's not massively attempting to fuck with jorge in the press, he shows uncharacteristic restraint every time marc gets a wee bit weird towards him... he's just keeping his head down, working to get his tenth. but, well, in an odd way I do think that probably... didn't help? like, the reason why sepang is so fucked is because valentino didn't just have a normal fight with marc after assen. this entire season was a pressure cooker, and valentino just didn't use any of his usual outlets to blow off some steam. which is dramatically fun and juicy in itself - if valentino had just been kinda normal 2009 levels of bitchy towards jorge throughout the course of the season, if he'd had a go at marc after assen, hell, even if he'd insinuated dani was pursuing a pro-jorge agenda during aragon... I'm not saying bickering with your rivals is a healthy way of dealing with stress, but kinda a little bit? if that's how you've been doing your title fights historically, minus 2006 (which does in itself maybe go to show a little bit of feuding did help him), then if you're just going cold turkey... suddenly you get a sepang 2015 coming out of nowhere. because you have all this stuff festering inside valentino and he didn't just have a go at a rival to clear his head a bit

here's my 'pro aragon 2015 as a turning point' case: I was mentally going through his title-winning years and trying to think of him actually losing this type of duel and... well, he doesn't really do a lot of it? nothing in 2001 I don't think, then you have those two barros wins in 2002 (the streets won't forget) but the title is already extremely wrapped up by then, maybe ukawa at welkom, 2003... okay, that one's the outlier - arguably welkom and catalunya, definitely le mans and sachsenring - but crucially the sachsenring defeat pissed him off so bad it sent him into a bit of an existential crisis... which does go to show that repeated w2w defeats can and will get to him. 2004... I mean, maybe le mans at a stretch. 2005 there isn't really anything. (2006 has estoril and 2007 has qatar + catalunya.) 2008 has... well, depends on whether you count estoril has a prolonged duel, same with what you call 2009 phillip island. but especially like,, this second half of the season 'ooh gotta be sensible with the title fight' type duel he only very, very rarely lost. when you consider that plus his direct w2w record against dani... from that pov, I think you can say that aragon 2015 certainly didn't HELP his flagging confidence levels - and neither did having to perceive his teammate throwing himself onto dani in parc fermé right in front of his salad. that season is death by a thousand cuts, but some cuts will always sting particularly badly. aragon was right before the triple header... perhaps you can call it a tipping point for the ruin to come

[itgr]

Early ROS season 3 Kodya thoughts (aka here's my excuse to ramble)

I'm only on episode 180. I have thoughts on a lot of things but rn I just wanna talk about Kodya?? Idk ever since we've seen him again in episode 159, he's been a lot more stoic and and standoffish than he used to be? (at least compared to his season 2 counterpart, which yeah he spent most of that outside his body but he wasn't this standoffish to Gyrus before). He's a lot more similar to his season 1 counterpart in some ways which I found interesting. Originally, I thought it would be a temporary thing just from the shock of seeing Gyrus again and recovering from the fact he genuinely thought they'd never meet again, but then he kind of stays that way and he's kind of snarky and defensive which I find interesting. I really like when characters are flawed or are tangibly impacted by things that have happened to them. Anyways here's like multiple reasons I headcanon (some of these are just straight up stated or heavily implied) there's such a big character shift (at least to me):

Um. Yeah he literally thought he'd never see his on and off boyfriend of several years who he literally fought so hard to keep around. That's going to fuck you up regardless of if it ended up not being true

^ Also I feel like losing Gyrus again definitely brought back some old pain and trauma from the time he, yknow, watched Gyrus lose himself over the course of years and eventually had to be the one to kill him ^^ so. YEAH (he has abandonment issues to me)

This is more of a minor point but we should talk about how fucky it would be to spend several years with people from the future and then be plopped back into your time period and expected to just. Keep existing like nothing happened and like you don't know at least hundreds of separate things and concepts that are, quite literally, ahead of your time

Look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't 100% face or see homophobia after returning to his time period. You know that would mess with him a bit (I find his defensiveness near Iro, while partially justified, really interesting? because it's the first time I can think of we get any implication that homophobia explicitly exists in the world of ROS <- which makes sense and it also makes sense to assume that the room of swords itself was probably pretty queer friendly because of the amount of different people there. Anyways Kodya's defensiveness near Iro just reads to me as someone anticipating homophobia because of firsthand experience with it)

Gyrus self deprecating about not as strong as Masiosare, who's essentially like if you took BB! Gyrus's inability to open up and ask for help and his tendencies to do morally fucked up shit for his version of the greater good and then maximised it(/hj), probably made Kodya feel worse. Like he already spent years watching Gyrus lose himself to those ideals and I feel like at this point, the amount of trust issues and general abandonment issues of having a partner who used to hide things from you constantly until it literally destroyed him, combined with that same partner now self deprecating and faintly implying he wants to be like that again, would 100% trigger the shit out of his trauma and probably make him feel like history's going to repeat itself

I don't know if this was intentional but (oversimplification) CPTSD symptoms tend to show up after the person's left whatever stressful environment they used to be in and it starts flaring up because the brain can't process or understand that its in a safe environment and is still in a very defensive protective mode even when it technically shouldn't be. Kodya's likely CPTSD from, yknow, EVERYTHING in the room of swords probably could've started flaring up because of the fact he finally managed to escape, which could also partially explain his mentioned thoughts of feeling cursed and like he'd never be happy before Gyrus showed up (it's a common thing to struggle to feel happy or safe after not having experienced either feeling for a long time)

In conclusion, Kodya Karevic is a well written mentally ill little guy who's literally done zero (0) wrong in his entire life/j. Jokes aside, I wanted an excuse to ramble and get my thoughts out and also just talk about how pleasantly surprising it is to have them actually acknowledge the flaws in Strawbarrow's relationship and show Kodya have tangible problems with trusting Gyrus again. Idk I really like how well and complexly they're written

[gontagokuhara]

teary rambling inbound

christ alive its not often i reckon with the fact that jump (the first fic of my “modern” writing era) is approaching seven (7!!!!!) years old. when i do think about it it’s often in a nostalgic way or a half-proud, half-self-deprecating way where i’m like “this was my peak when i was 17, god DAMN have i improved” because as much love as i hold for it and what it ended up as, it’s still nowhere near perfect! there’s so much i would do differently with my slightly more developed brain!!

but i get comments still on a more or less weekly basis almost 7 years after publishing, over 6 years since i last touched it. little ‘i just read this in one sitting!’ and ‘this brought me back into enjoying deh again’ and ‘i usually get bored during long fics but i wanted to finish this!’ that i have saved in their own special portion of my inbox specifically for jump comments because they all make my day every single time.

and then sometimes i get comments like these, all these years later, and i pump the breaks and just think.

unless i’m particularly out of touch this is like. the type of comments fic writers dream of. thoughtful, personal, crafted with a level of care that highlights how genuinely an author (even of just ‘silly’ musical fanfic) can move a person.

someone who never writes reviews was compelled to detail how deeply they’ve been impacted by *my* writing. something i crafted as a labor of love while i was still a teenager struggling through that same shit i was writing about had enough of a positive effect on someone that it spurred them to put as much into writing themselves, unsure if i’d ever even see it. this person walked away from something i created with the exact takeaways i hoped they would, and i very sincerely hope that whatever realizations this person had while reading, they take them and make their lives better because there’s nothing more i could possibly ask for.

jump, as much as a bit of an ugly duckling i think of it as sometimes, is like…a net good on the world. so many of my current best friends i met because i wrote jump. more than one person has embraced recovery and getting better and stepping into the sun (hah!), and that’s just people who have told me that — some of the mostly deeply influential fics in my life are ones i’ve never commented on myself. more people than i can ever hope to comprehend have had their day, week, month, life outlook altered in a positive way by something i created — by me.

in a period of life (not just my own, but more broadly speaking How Life Is in the present day, 2024) where things are pretty shitty and i’m agonizing more than ever over feeling useless and impactless and like i’ll never create anything of true value. sometimes i wake up to comments like these, and i slow my roll, and i can…genuinely appreciate that at the very least, despite everything else sucking pretty bad, people have made their own happiness through something i’ve created. i’ve made something of value, and even if i never know the impacts of that…those people are out there. if i could do it at 17 years, and still hear the positive influence of doing so 7 years later, i can do it again. i want to do it again. writing is making my happiness, and knowing that that could be true of other people makes it a happiness worth pursuing.

all of that to say: thank you, if you’ve ever read my silly stories before. if they’ve done something positive in your life, even for just a second, that means more to me than anything. and especially thank you to my more vocal readers because quite literally it’s people like the above comment, and people who i’m sure are reading this and know exactly who they are, who make me love writing as much as i do and make me want to do it forever, no matter the capacity.

i suppose i should wrap up now before my weepiness makes everyones tl all damp. thank you again, persephonescurse (even if you’ll never see this). your comment now also forever lives in the original jump discord server from 2017, so i won’t be forgetting it anytime soon. thank you.

[bluephoenixdruidicprincess]

Starting Campaign 2 of Critical Role at last. And over the first few episodes, whilst getting to know the new characters, I wasn't sure which characters I was going to gravitate the most towards. And then, all it took was for Caleb to come out of his hiding spot and say, "I'm not brave like Nott". And then, that did it. Well! I know who I'm going to be hyperfocused on in this campaign. They're all wonderfully colorful characters (both literally and figuratively) but what can I say, I have a type. If your character is self-deprecating and has self worth issues, that's like a calling card to me. Plus I have this whole thing where I adore protector and protectee dynamics so I just love the relationship of Caleb and Nott. Nott is this tiny little goblin girl who has plenty of her own cute quirks but is all, "you hurt Caleb and I will cut you!"

And also I heard via the internet that Marisha's Beau in this campaign is kind of obnoxious and hard to get used to. 3 episodes in and I don't know what the internet's talking about. Sure, she's a little boisterous but its not like cringey at all, I kind of enjoy that aspect of her character.

And also, kind of a funny story, when I started watching this campaign, I had it on auto play, so I finished the first episode and then hit next on the playlist and for whatever reason, it skipped episode 2 and went on to episode 3. And I had no idea that I wasn't watching episode 2 until the very end where i realized episode 4 was on the queue and that's when I finally thought, yeah, that doesn't make sense. And then I realized the playlist had skipped episode 2. And the crazy part is, I didn't question it because episode 1 ends with the initial fight at the circus and then episode 3 starts off with another fight at the location of the circus. So I was like, yeah, this checks out. They had their fight at the circus, they left the tent to walk into another fight, yeah that flows. Sure there were some things in episode 3 being referenced that I didn't remember but I just thought since I listen to these videos at work that maybe I just got absorbed in work and missed a few crucial scenes. But in a weird way I guess, it kind of shows how weirdly "filler" I guess episode 2 is. A lot of great stuff happens in episode 2 but also nothing that's like super crucial to the immediate story. So I thought that was both funny and interesting and for sure I am definitely going to be checking the title of the video every time I hit next on the playlist.

But yeah, those are my thoughts on the beginning of immersing myself into campaign 2. So far it has a very different kind of flavor then campaign 1. Campaign 1 was great, I've heard people say campaign 2 is even better but I really don't want to compare them. The both have their different stories they're telling and I wish to respect that.

[innocencelives]

talking to myself: lifelong dissociation, and a long journey back to my body

have actually had a pretty decent few days. i hit some of my lowest low low lows, which ofc has happened fairly frequently in the last few months. by that i mean thinking endlessly about my suffering, my unlivable life, only able to calm down when i fantasize about dying-this gets me to sleep usually.

but then there is crying, which is beautiful! cathartic, releasing, freeing, but naturally-incredibly painful. but it is true pain, true emotion, being unleashed and expressed in a way that empties it. trauma processing. and i was even able to unload a bit of it with an actual therapist, first time ive done that in years. turns out no matter how much i cry and process trauma with my imaginary therapist, having someone hear me is more relieving, and perhaps actually progresses me forward in my healing.

something i started to think about tonight: how dissociated i am, and always have been. theres a trillion metaphors to describe it, but to sum it up: i am not in reality, for the vast majority of the time.

as a survival mechanism i developed a rich inner fantasy world, an ability to create worlds in my brain that i can exit my body to live in. worlds that express my fears, my hopes, my projections, my paranoias, my goals, safe places, harmful places, beautiful places, but places outside of this world nonetheless. this is something that has become so automatic, so intrinsic to how i live my life that it affects me 24/7, all the time, for my whole life.

im starting to understand the tremendous far reaching effects of this, and, perhaps-what life looks like beyond it. i forget things, everything. its easier to tell people i have brain damage. i forget everything constantly, i lose everything all the time all day. this is SO frustrating, how often i will tear my place up looking for something i am literally holding. time disappears, i live outside my body. i become retraumatized by the scenarios i create. i lose myself in paranoia irregardless of facts. i fall down everywhere! i hurt myself accidently all the time. i forget what im doing, i forget i met someone im standing next to. i ‘come to’ and due to bad chronic pain i notice ive been pacing around my apartment for HOURS in one of my fantasies. i miss important dates, i forget to eat, i forget my meds. oh my god man. i break phone after phone after computer after computer. i stain all my clothes and forget that im wearing them until im with my friends!!! and im not in my body, so ill pick my skin until it bleeds, pick my fingernails until they become infected and sometimes even fall off, i lose important heirlooms and meaningful objects, i hurt peoples feelings by forgetting things, i miss appointments, i miss birthdays, never shower, never clean, oh my god wow.

what could life be like when i join everyone else on earth? i left to feel safe, to escape mentally at all costs when i couldnt escape physically. my body knows nothing else, i dont dissociate just because of something triggering, im already dissociated the whole day. god. thats why im hardly triggered, thats why i feel other peoples trauma more than my own, perhaps that is a huge, HUGE force in why i am so, disabled.

processing is a step forward. but coming back to my body? god what have i done with it. i look ancient, thats not me being self deprecating, i have aged decades in a few years. the more im in my body, the more i will notice these physical ailments i simply suffered through, or couldnt possiblly explain for the life of me. when did this start? idk. wheres the pain? idk. what helps? idk. which medication works for it? idk. what meds are you on? idk. what dosages? idk. how are you feeling? BAD. thats for sure.

one thing thats been on my mind all night, is that the more i come back to my body, the more i actually, truly, try to look in the mirror and see that person as me, i get a bit transer 😭.

thats what im noticing. looked up all kinds of FFS surgery pictures tonight and wow. dysphoria is a complicated thing when your not in your body. why would i care about pronouns, i barely remember what anyone is saying most of the time. why would i care what my body looked, felt, smelled like? im not even living in that body. gonna take it slow of course but. the more i grow, the more i heal, the more i cry, the more i live, the more i TRY to push forward and make it to the next day. im going to have to start looking in the mirror more, metaphorically and literally. who knows what ill continue to find. who knows what girl i might become?

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

I am so fucking miserable there is so much pressure and everyone wants my free time but nobody wants to understand me.

very hopeless and angry tired feeling, very very sad

I got told about how much time im wasting by moping, how much he just wishes he had my free time and im so lucky. he didn't say that literally but holy fuck now he keeps playing my cards that he tells ME to stop playing (self deprecation and making my problems worse by being angry and not breathing)

so angry honestly

I feel so empty

ive wasted so much time. im 25 now. im gonna be 30. ive wasted so much free time. the internet is a scam. all the social medias are a scam. life is a scam. everything in the world is a scam. love is a scam. even death is a scam. and it all keeps going because love and hatred keep pulsing in the extremes of matter, living and non living.

im just really angry and didn't eat protein yet and im just so sad and very sad and upset and I feel like an entitled Karen and I think I overlooked some pretty telling symptoms of ocd

im so lonely. im so so extremely lonely. I weep for the little child that wanted to have fun with friends and eat delicious food and be peaceful every day. I have positively failed her.

I mean I guess not completely. I follow my heart if it matters too much. shed still be disappointed tho. 25 and still no car? :"( nothing?

not much food these days either. everyone getting broke. I cant imagine other places too rn. it's all so heartbreaking. everywhere I turn, it's just sadness and decay and corruption. and then every now and then there's snuggles and plants and food. but that's about it. its just living with the guilt that so many live a much more horrid and difficult life and have suffered unspeakable deaths. and im here moping. what even caused this? he said something that hurt my fragile pathetic ego again? I don't even remember. I feel so lonely because communicating with people requires more effort than Im comfortable with, but that's the only way anyone will come close to understanding me. im just so constantly tired. for the past entire life honestly. been babysitting since 3 years old. im literally the only girl. the oldest as well. I was homeschooled.

my mental health is probably suffering these days because im in that weird rut where I still need to sign up for an associates degree, but I also need to make a logo, but I need to watch one piece since he slept in too much to drop me off at my place this morning. idk its a big huge fucking mess, and if its true that ive been living with Audhd the whole time, then it doesnt even comfort me anymore because my youth was wasted on ignorance. I will never be 14 again. if only she knew. she could've said something.

so yeah long story short, not having a consistent something to do, whether that is a job, hobby, entrepreneuring or literally just self care schedule, is detrimental to mental health because it's taking exercise away from the brain muscles.

what I mean is that its good to stretch the body, and I usually feel quite refreshed after some cardio or weight training. and the same applies to the brain.

something im trying to grasp more is the "growth mindset" because the opposite of that is a "fixed mindset"

Growth Mindset: People can learn things regardless of age.

Fixed Mindset: There's only so much people can learn, and once habits are fully developed, people cannot change.

so I kept telling myself how hopeless it is, oh I wasted so much time, and time is money. my life is basically useless, my youth is depleted and now I need to die. but no that is not the case here, unfortunately.

unfortunately there is hope, not really for the world, but for my particular situation at least.

physically I am very privileged. I have white-yellow skin and have both parents making income. I have a bf that cares about me (we just both have problems lmao) and I have two places that I live at: my parents and my bfs. its convenient but at the same time its a fucking nightmare I need to reside at only one place and have my room n shit.

but yeah mentally I was isolated and yelled at for most of my life and I never got to play video games because I was a pushover and I also daydreamed too much so I got my homework done a lot slower than my siblings.

mix that with some undiagnosed adhd, autism, and even possibly ocd, and you get infinite sadness.

idk the "infinite sadness" is a phrase that comes into my head randomly lmao

hey I had this sad dream last night where I was walking with someone and they pointed to my bf sitting in some spot and they said "men like him who love people like you are going to live a sad life" and I just felt really bad because he has to deal with my tantrums (red40 is so bad holy shit, it was a lot worse than I thought)

anyway, the least I can say is that its never actually too late. you can be old af and having every kind of cancer ever, but if you find something you like, its never too late to enjoy it. do whatever the fuck you want man. don't listen to those random rules your head makes up that don't make any sense. make your own sense. and then make dollars.. $$$$$$$$$$$